The Talk
by Peoplepersonsof DooM
Summary: Matsumoto sits down to have an important talk with Hitsugaya...about the birds and the bees. And of course it doesn't go as planned. A silly crackish one shot. Complete.


The Talk.

Hitsugaya was hard at work in his quarters. Lately, all he had been doing was paperwork. And maybe he wouldn't have to do so much if it wasn't for that lazy bones, Matsumoto. Why did he have to get stuck with someone so immature for his vice captain? Hitsugaya shook his head; he would never figure it out.

Signing signature after signature with a swift motion of his pen, he saw that he was half way done with the enormous stack of papers sitting upon his desk. He began writing his next signature, when he heard a creaking sound of the door opening.

Right off the bat he knew it was his vice. No one else would open the door in such a sneaky way…

"What is it Matsumoto?" he queried grumpily, not bothering to even look up from the papers.

If it was about going out to go drinking again…

"Oh, taichou! Well, I just wanted to discuss something with you." Matsumoto said sounding as innocent as possible.

Hitsugaya turned to face her suspiciously. "Discuss what?"

"I mean we never spoke about it before so…"

"Out with it, I don't have time for nonsense!" said the captain irked.

Matsumoto simply smiled.

Hitsugaya squinted at her.

"Well, taichou you are starting to become a man. So, you are starting to develop."

What the hell was she getting at?

"And soon girls will start to be interested in you coughhinamoricough."

"Matsumoto," he said exasperated now standing up. "What are you getting at?"

"What I'm getting at is…the birds and the bees!" exclaimed Matsumoto.

Hitsugaya was confused. "Birds and the bees? What the hell did that mean?

Matsumoto was a little surprised and tried to say this the best way she could. "No? Then how bout... the plug in the outlet?" she asked.

"What?"

"The key in the ignition?"

"What are you trying to say??"

"Uh, the zanpakutou in the sheath?" she inquired.

"Matsumoto, what the hell are you talking about?!"

"SEX!" she screamed.

Hitsugaya was still confused. "Isn't sex gender?" he asked.

Matsumoto was incredulous. She couldn't believe it. Her captain was a prodigy, a genius. But he didn't know what sex was. His age really did show at times…

"AWWW! TAICHOU! YOU ARE SOO CUTE!" she squealed hugging him tightly, getting his face trapped between her huge assets.

Hitsugaya broke away from so he could breath. "MATSUMOTO..." he growled.

"Well, taichou sex is a gender but it is also where babies come from!" she grinned.

"Oh. But how does sex…"

He was starting to feel a headache coming on.

"I had a feeling this would happen, so I had certain people come to explain to you!"

On cue two the door slowly creaked open, to reveal Captain Unohana and Captain Mayuri. (What a weird pair O.O)

Hitsugaya placed a hand to his forehead and protested. "Matsumoto, why did you put them up to this?" he asked frustrated.

"It's perfectly, alright Toshiro." said Unohana in her gentle voice.

"Yes it's _**perfectly**_ alright." said Mayuri creepily rubbing his hands together.

Hitsugaya didn't like where this conversation was heading.

"Well, let me start." said Mayuri pulling out a black board from his scientifically enhanced pocket. He took out a piece of chalk and began to draw pictures on the board.

"Sex, is when the sperm meets the egg." Mayuri said drawing little squigglely lines and an egg. "The sperm is in the male body when the egg is in the female body."

Hitsugaya was staring at the board wide eyed. Unohana was talking him through it as best she could.

"Sex is also when the genitals meet. Meaning your wang meeting a girl's…"

Hitsugaya twitched. "OKAY OKAY I UNDERSTAND!"

Unohana looked upon him with pity.

Mayuri looked at Matsumoto. "When can I get my subject for my experiment?"

"Um, how bout in two days?" she replied.

Hitsugaya got pissed. "I hope you are not referring to ME as a subject."

"No, no, no taichou! Of course not." said Matsumoto with an innocent smile.

Hitsugaya growled. He couldn't believe all of this.

"Well, it's just great to learn something new." Toshiro said sarcastically. "Note to self: sex sounds horrifying."

Matsumoto gasped. "Sex is a beautiful thing!" she beamed eyes sparkling. "In fact I have it all the time!"

Hitsugaya paled and twitched. "Matsumoto…"

"A few days ago I slept with Hisagi! And Kira!" she exclaimed.

"Please refrain from telling me any-"

"Oh and a couple of months ago I was with Renji, Byakuya taicho, Gin taicho, Aizen taicho, Kenpachi taicho, Tousen taichou, Mayuri taichou, Kyouraku taichou, Ukitake taichou, Yamamoto taichou, Ikkaku, and Shiba san, too bad he died. He was cute." She laughed.

Hitsugaya stood appalled. "M-Matsumoto! H-how… Yamamoto?"

"For an old man he was fun."

He stood with his mouth hanging open. " Unohana?" Hitsugaya looked at Unohana and she replied with a slight nod.

"Yep! But that was an experiment…and I was really drunk."

"How the hell did you get Byakuya, Kenpachi, and Ukitake?" he asked.

Matsumoto just smirked.

Hitsugaya had an idea, but he wouldn't dare say it. He refused to say it.

"..." Hitsugaya had just realized what the definition of whore was. Whore: Matsumoto.

"So, that's what I hear at night?" he asked afraid.

"Yep!" she smiled.

"EWWWWW..." Hitsugaya wasn't going in her room ever again. "Good gracious is there anyone that got around as much as you?"

"Oh, definitely!"

Somewhere in the soul society Soi Fong sneezed.

"Well, I have learned enough. Please everyone get out of my room, now!" Toshiro yelled aggravated and mentally scarred for life.

Just as everyone was clearing out of his room, someone else entered.

"Lil' Shiro kun!" said Hinamori.

"Taichou! Now is your chance to become a man!" yelled Matsumoto excitedly.

And that was the final straw. Hitsugaya screamed and released his zanpakutou freezing everyone in the room.

Hitsugaya panting heavily sighed. He admitted he wasn't mature enough for the concept of sex. But, certainly he was mature enough to have a drink. He really needed one. And so he left his office, walking past the frozen figures in his quarters to the bar.


End file.
